Sunday, February 28, 2016
Don't take it personally
Don't take anything personally - nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.
A girl
“A girl wants attention, a woman wants respect. A girl wants to be adored by many. A woman wants to be adored by one.” -anonymous
Sunday, February 14, 2016
Why do people act crazy when they fall in love?
I used to be a normal girl (never got mad at anybody or never been jealous) before I fell in love with this great guy named Matt (we have been together for almost a year). But recently, I keep getting upset with him over petty issues -- like when he doesn't text me back that quick or when he sleeps without saying good night to me. He ends up apologizing and doing everything he can to cheer me up, but sometimes it leads to a fight which made me feel so guilty. I have male friends and I know what they go through when their girlfriends get mad at them for apparently no reason. So I tried searching for the reasons behind these acts and tips on how to avoid being a crazy girlfriend, which might end up in him breaking up with you (and that we never really wanted to happen). Hope it works for you too!
It's insecurity, and it's something to get passed if you want to have successful relationships. It's not easy, and guys do it too, just in a different way. Consciously or subconsciously you're taking every last sentence and action and deciding if this means he's losing interest in you. This can quickly become a vicious cycle that ends with him actually losing interest in you, so be careful.
To change it, stop and think why you're angry, then decide if getting angry at him for his actions is actually solving anything. If him not saying 'Goodnight' really is a sign that he's losing interest, what do you gain by getting angry at him? You might fix a symptom, and that's it.
The fear of losing their love makes a guy jealous; while it makes a girl emotionally clingy. So, what are you afraid about? When in a relationship if one starts acting crazy it is because that person is afraid that her boyfriend no longer finds her lovable. The thoughts that go in one's mind are enough to increase the 'craziness' level to a notch higher than possible. You want an assurance that the person is still in love with you; you want to make sure that he isn't backing off now. You are afraid what will happen to you if the person leaves you.
Why? Why do we act like that? Does everyone act that way? No, not everyone acts that way. Only those who think their boyfriend deserves someone more than them! Stop making yourself small, and truly believe that you and him are best for each other; and your relation will last. Yes, breakups happen, but to constantly live in that fear is a torture. You will end up suffocating your relationship. Believe that you are the one for him.
Next, get in the habit of actually just talking about things. There is no greater person to talk about your problems in your relationship than with your partner. Realize that chances are, everything is fine, and if it's not, a fight won't solve anything. If he is feeling like there's problems in the relationship, he's more likely to tell you if you bring it up in non-confrontational way. It's hard enough talking about this stuff, believe me. It's even harder when you're worried about getting your head bitten off.
Of course you need to listen, it's something that a lot of human being forgets. One of the most sincere forms of respect is actually listening to what another has to say. Give him a chance to talk. You don't have to immediately respond to things. If he's constantly saying you are misunderstanding what he says, then reformulate what he says and repeat it back to see if you are correct. And when fights happen (and they will), don't fight dirty (don't throw insults, say hurtful things, ect).
Honestly, a good start would be just telling and being open about what you feel. Tell him you recognize you're being crazy, that you don't like it, and you want to change. You're not telling him anything he doesn't already know, and he's going to feel a lot better if he can actually talk to you about it. Give him a chance to talk, listen and don't get defensive. Save the explanations and interjections until the end. Acknowledge what you think is reasonable, explain (but don't over explain) what you don't think is reasonable. At best you solve problems before they become huge. At a minimum, you aren't blindsided by huge problems that aren't fixable. It will reduce your insecurity too.
Finally, find something apart from your boyfriend to keep you busy. Like going out with friends, reading books, writing a blog or anything that will keep you away from thinking about him. When you have an interest, then you will have less time to miss your boyfriend. You will appreciate your time with him better. As your personal appreciation will increase, your need for constant attention from him will balance out. He will appreciate and respect you more too. Besides keeping yourself a little bit mysterious will make you more interesting.
Based on my experience doing this helps me to be quite patient and less jealous because, with the time, I have become mature and very well understood that if he sometimes does not call me back, say Goodnight or forget something, it's not because he doesn't love me much or care about me. It's just that he knows I am hers and will always be with him. So he gets less easy. You just need to realise that he really loves you even if he misses out some things. We all love our boyfriend and we should always remember that they love us even more. Trusting our partner would always be a matter in our relationships.
There is still hope for us. Time will heal everything. Your brain will eventually come back to its normal function in due time. How long? Well, that's an individual thing. It could take anything from a few weeks to several months. But you don't have to feel at the mercy of this. And please chill about being emotionally sensitive, we are humans, we are emotional and sensitive. Love is being emotionally sensitive and being emotionally sensitive (not that over sensitive) means that you care. It's Normal.
It's insecurity, and it's something to get passed if you want to have successful relationships. It's not easy, and guys do it too, just in a different way. Consciously or subconsciously you're taking every last sentence and action and deciding if this means he's losing interest in you. This can quickly become a vicious cycle that ends with him actually losing interest in you, so be careful.
To change it, stop and think why you're angry, then decide if getting angry at him for his actions is actually solving anything. If him not saying 'Goodnight' really is a sign that he's losing interest, what do you gain by getting angry at him? You might fix a symptom, and that's it.
The fear of losing their love makes a guy jealous; while it makes a girl emotionally clingy. So, what are you afraid about? When in a relationship if one starts acting crazy it is because that person is afraid that her boyfriend no longer finds her lovable. The thoughts that go in one's mind are enough to increase the 'craziness' level to a notch higher than possible. You want an assurance that the person is still in love with you; you want to make sure that he isn't backing off now. You are afraid what will happen to you if the person leaves you.
Why? Why do we act like that? Does everyone act that way? No, not everyone acts that way. Only those who think their boyfriend deserves someone more than them! Stop making yourself small, and truly believe that you and him are best for each other; and your relation will last. Yes, breakups happen, but to constantly live in that fear is a torture. You will end up suffocating your relationship. Believe that you are the one for him.
Next, get in the habit of actually just talking about things. There is no greater person to talk about your problems in your relationship than with your partner. Realize that chances are, everything is fine, and if it's not, a fight won't solve anything. If he is feeling like there's problems in the relationship, he's more likely to tell you if you bring it up in non-confrontational way. It's hard enough talking about this stuff, believe me. It's even harder when you're worried about getting your head bitten off.
Of course you need to listen, it's something that a lot of human being forgets. One of the most sincere forms of respect is actually listening to what another has to say. Give him a chance to talk. You don't have to immediately respond to things. If he's constantly saying you are misunderstanding what he says, then reformulate what he says and repeat it back to see if you are correct. And when fights happen (and they will), don't fight dirty (don't throw insults, say hurtful things, ect).
Honestly, a good start would be just telling and being open about what you feel. Tell him you recognize you're being crazy, that you don't like it, and you want to change. You're not telling him anything he doesn't already know, and he's going to feel a lot better if he can actually talk to you about it. Give him a chance to talk, listen and don't get defensive. Save the explanations and interjections until the end. Acknowledge what you think is reasonable, explain (but don't over explain) what you don't think is reasonable. At best you solve problems before they become huge. At a minimum, you aren't blindsided by huge problems that aren't fixable. It will reduce your insecurity too.
Finally, find something apart from your boyfriend to keep you busy. Like going out with friends, reading books, writing a blog or anything that will keep you away from thinking about him. When you have an interest, then you will have less time to miss your boyfriend. You will appreciate your time with him better. As your personal appreciation will increase, your need for constant attention from him will balance out. He will appreciate and respect you more too. Besides keeping yourself a little bit mysterious will make you more interesting.
Based on my experience doing this helps me to be quite patient and less jealous because, with the time, I have become mature and very well understood that if he sometimes does not call me back, say Goodnight or forget something, it's not because he doesn't love me much or care about me. It's just that he knows I am hers and will always be with him. So he gets less easy. You just need to realise that he really loves you even if he misses out some things. We all love our boyfriend and we should always remember that they love us even more. Trusting our partner would always be a matter in our relationships.
There is still hope for us. Time will heal everything. Your brain will eventually come back to its normal function in due time. How long? Well, that's an individual thing. It could take anything from a few weeks to several months. But you don't have to feel at the mercy of this. And please chill about being emotionally sensitive, we are humans, we are emotional and sensitive. Love is being emotionally sensitive and being emotionally sensitive (not that over sensitive) means that you care. It's Normal.
To the man I love the most
I love you. I am who I am because of you. You are every reason, every hope, and every dream I've ever had, and no matter what happens to us in the future, everyday we are together is the greatest day of my life. I will always be yours.
10 Myths about Introverts by Carl King
Myth #1 : Introverts don’t like to talk.
This is not true. Introverts just don’t talk unless they have something to say. They hate small talk. Get an introvert talking about something they are interested in, and they won’t shut up for days.
Myth #2 : Introverts are shy.
Shyness has nothing to do with being an Introvert. Introverts are not necessarily afraid of people. What they need is a reason to interact. They don’t interact for the sake of interacting. If you want to talk to an Introvert, just start talking. Don’t worry about being polite.
Myth #3 : Introverts are rude.
Introverts often don’t see a reason for beating around the bush with social pleasantries. They want everyone to just be real and honest. Unfortunately, this is not acceptable in most settings, so Introverts can feel a lot of pressure to fit in, which they find exhausting.
Myth #4 : Introverts don’t like people.
On the contrary, Introverts intensely value the few friends they have. They can count their close friends on one hand. If you are lucky enough for an introvert to consider you a friend, you probably have a loyal ally for life. Once you have earned their respect as being a person of substance, you’re in.
Myth #5 : Introverts don’t like to go out in public.
Nonsense. Introverts just don’t like to go out in public FOR AS LONG. They also like to avoid the complications that are involved in public activities. They take in data and experiences very quickly, and as a result, don’t need to be there for long to “get it.” They’re ready to go home, recharge, and process it all. In fact, recharging is absolutely crucial for Introverts.
Myth #6 : Introverts always want to be alone.
Introverts are perfectly comfortable with their own thoughts. They think a lot. They daydream. They like to have problems to work on, puzzles to solve. But they can also get incredibly lonely if they don’t have anyone to share their discoveries with. They crave an authentic and sincere connection with ONE PERSON at a time.
Myth #7 : Introverts are weird.
Introverts are often individualists.
They don’t follow the crowd. They’d prefer to be valued for their novel ways of living. They think for themselves and because of that, they often challenge the norm. They don’t make most decisions based on what is popular or trendy.
Myth #8 : Introverts are aloof nerds.
Introverts are people who primarily look inward, paying close attention to their thoughts and emotions. It’s not that they are incapable of paying attention to what is going on around them, it’s just that their inner world is much more stimulating and rewarding to them.
Myth #9 : Introverts don’t know how to relax and have fun.
Introverts typically relax at home or in nature, not in busy public places. Introverts are not thrill seekers and adrenaline junkies. If there is too much talking and noise going on, they shut down. Their brains are too sensitive to the neurotransmitter called Dopamine. Introverts and Extroverts have different dominant neuro-pathways. Just look it up.
Myth #10 : Introverts can fix themselves and become Extroverts.
A world without Introverts would be a world with few scientists, musicians, artists, poets, filmmakers, doctors, mathematicians, writers, and philosophers. That being said, there are still plenty of techniques an Extrovert can learn in order to interact with Introverts. (Yes, I reversed these two terms on purpose to show you how biased our society is.) Introverts cannot “fix themselves” and deserve respect for their natural temperament and contributions to the human race. In fact, one study (Silverman, 1986) showed that the percentage of Introverts increases with IQ.
About ‘ ‘ The Myths” I wrote this list in late-2008. Around that time, I was lucky enough to discover a book called, The Introvert Advantage: How to Thrive in an Extrovert World, by Marti Laney, Psy.D. It felt like someone had written an encyclopedia entry on a rare race of people to which I belong. Not only had it explained many of my eccentricities, it helped me to redefine my entire life in a new and productive context.
Sure, anyone who knows me would say, “Duh! Why did it take you so long to realize you’re an Introvert?” It’s not that simple. The problem is that labeling someone as an Introvert is a very shallow assessment, full of common misconceptions. It’s more complex than that.
A section of Laney’s book (page 71 through page 75) maps out the human brain and explains how neuro-transmitters follow different dominant paths in the nervous systems of Introverts and Extroverts. If the science behind the book is correct, it turns out that Introverts are people who are over-sensitive to Dopamine, so too much external stimulation overdoses and exhausts them. Conversely, Extroverts can’t get enough Dopamine, and they require Adrenaline for their brains to create it. Extroverts also have a shorter pathway and less blood-flow to the brain. The messages of an Extrovert’s nervous system mostly bypass the Broca’s area in the frontal lobe, which is where a large portion of contemplation takes place.
Unfortunately, according to the book, only about 25% of people are Introverts. There are even fewer that are as extreme as I am. This leads to a lot of misunderstandings, since society doesn’t have very much experience with my people. (I love being able to say that.) So the 10 Myths are a few common misconceptions about Introverts (not taken directly from the book, but based on my own life experience).
This is not true. Introverts just don’t talk unless they have something to say. They hate small talk. Get an introvert talking about something they are interested in, and they won’t shut up for days.
Myth #2 : Introverts are shy.
Shyness has nothing to do with being an Introvert. Introverts are not necessarily afraid of people. What they need is a reason to interact. They don’t interact for the sake of interacting. If you want to talk to an Introvert, just start talking. Don’t worry about being polite.
Myth #3 : Introverts are rude.
Introverts often don’t see a reason for beating around the bush with social pleasantries. They want everyone to just be real and honest. Unfortunately, this is not acceptable in most settings, so Introverts can feel a lot of pressure to fit in, which they find exhausting.
Myth #4 : Introverts don’t like people.
On the contrary, Introverts intensely value the few friends they have. They can count their close friends on one hand. If you are lucky enough for an introvert to consider you a friend, you probably have a loyal ally for life. Once you have earned their respect as being a person of substance, you’re in.
Myth #5 : Introverts don’t like to go out in public.
Nonsense. Introverts just don’t like to go out in public FOR AS LONG. They also like to avoid the complications that are involved in public activities. They take in data and experiences very quickly, and as a result, don’t need to be there for long to “get it.” They’re ready to go home, recharge, and process it all. In fact, recharging is absolutely crucial for Introverts.
Myth #6 : Introverts always want to be alone.
Introverts are perfectly comfortable with their own thoughts. They think a lot. They daydream. They like to have problems to work on, puzzles to solve. But they can also get incredibly lonely if they don’t have anyone to share their discoveries with. They crave an authentic and sincere connection with ONE PERSON at a time.
Myth #7 : Introverts are weird.
Introverts are often individualists.
They don’t follow the crowd. They’d prefer to be valued for their novel ways of living. They think for themselves and because of that, they often challenge the norm. They don’t make most decisions based on what is popular or trendy.
Myth #8 : Introverts are aloof nerds.
Introverts are people who primarily look inward, paying close attention to their thoughts and emotions. It’s not that they are incapable of paying attention to what is going on around them, it’s just that their inner world is much more stimulating and rewarding to them.
Myth #9 : Introverts don’t know how to relax and have fun.
Introverts typically relax at home or in nature, not in busy public places. Introverts are not thrill seekers and adrenaline junkies. If there is too much talking and noise going on, they shut down. Their brains are too sensitive to the neurotransmitter called Dopamine. Introverts and Extroverts have different dominant neuro-pathways. Just look it up.
Myth #10 : Introverts can fix themselves and become Extroverts.
A world without Introverts would be a world with few scientists, musicians, artists, poets, filmmakers, doctors, mathematicians, writers, and philosophers. That being said, there are still plenty of techniques an Extrovert can learn in order to interact with Introverts. (Yes, I reversed these two terms on purpose to show you how biased our society is.) Introverts cannot “fix themselves” and deserve respect for their natural temperament and contributions to the human race. In fact, one study (Silverman, 1986) showed that the percentage of Introverts increases with IQ.
About ‘ ‘ The Myths” I wrote this list in late-2008. Around that time, I was lucky enough to discover a book called, The Introvert Advantage: How to Thrive in an Extrovert World, by Marti Laney, Psy.D. It felt like someone had written an encyclopedia entry on a rare race of people to which I belong. Not only had it explained many of my eccentricities, it helped me to redefine my entire life in a new and productive context.
Sure, anyone who knows me would say, “Duh! Why did it take you so long to realize you’re an Introvert?” It’s not that simple. The problem is that labeling someone as an Introvert is a very shallow assessment, full of common misconceptions. It’s more complex than that.
A section of Laney’s book (page 71 through page 75) maps out the human brain and explains how neuro-transmitters follow different dominant paths in the nervous systems of Introverts and Extroverts. If the science behind the book is correct, it turns out that Introverts are people who are over-sensitive to Dopamine, so too much external stimulation overdoses and exhausts them. Conversely, Extroverts can’t get enough Dopamine, and they require Adrenaline for their brains to create it. Extroverts also have a shorter pathway and less blood-flow to the brain. The messages of an Extrovert’s nervous system mostly bypass the Broca’s area in the frontal lobe, which is where a large portion of contemplation takes place.
Unfortunately, according to the book, only about 25% of people are Introverts. There are even fewer that are as extreme as I am. This leads to a lot of misunderstandings, since society doesn’t have very much experience with my people. (I love being able to say that.) So the 10 Myths are a few common misconceptions about Introverts (not taken directly from the book, but based on my own life experience).
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